I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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