So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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