I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
