Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
