her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
