Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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