Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
