omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
