I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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