i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
