Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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