but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
