yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
