I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
