how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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