Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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