I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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