we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't deserve a penis
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
