I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Ladies don't puke and tell
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
