96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
