My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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