so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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