I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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