I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
