Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
