I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
