I am spending my child support on dildos
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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