I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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