My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize