I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
