is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
