I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.