I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
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Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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