I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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