can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
