Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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