the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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