Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
