THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
