if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
