I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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