when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
