i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
