eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
