I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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