Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
