Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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