someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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