The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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