he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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