see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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