she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
