so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need water and some morals
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
