I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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