her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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