The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
