Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
