Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
