I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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