I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
