If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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