please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
